Only in Russia / Только в России

Only in Russia do you step off the plane and feel,

feel not just the bumpy feel of the wheels hitting runway

but the cigarette smoke washing over you

and the cool brisk northern air at midday.

And only in Russia do you walk outside and see not a parking lot

but a mishmash of cars thrown together in haphazard fashion

with bumpers blending into fenders and red into blue

like a most dangerous game of Tetris (yet another

brilliant Russian invention).

And only in Russia does your driver pull over at the side of the road

after MacGyvering his way through the parking lot

and tell you to отдыхай surrounded by a mélange of grass and cars.

Only in Russia. Только в России.

Только в России, вы можете гулять на улице

и видеть старый собор налево и Сабвей направо

вперед, сад; назад, солнце, и так далее.

And only in Russia can you see Nabokov, breathe Dostoevsky,

taste Tchaikovsky and feel Stravinsky,

sense them all despite all being dead for decades.

And only in Russia can you take a massive escalator

down into the centre of the earth for hours on end

and emerge in the most beautiful, ornate marble rooms

that ever dared to house something as simple as trains.

Только в России. Only in Russia.

Only in Russia can you take a freshly made блин

(which is pretty much just a pancake only so much better)

slap the most luscious red caviar inside it, melt in your mouth,

and call it fast food. Теремок wins.

And only in Russia do you go to the grocery store

and see beside your $3 smoked salmon and $1 head cheese

a massive, $6 bottle of premium Siberian vodka

(and if you're drinking Пять Озер, take a chaser).

And only in Russia can you be so enraptured

by something as simple as a flock of pigeons

taking off from the ground вместе.

Only in Russia. Только в России.

Only in Russia can a guy say your weak, 2003 phone is «From Russia, with love»

and you feel like it's actually true.

И только в России, вы можете пить пиво

с людами в русской мафии (ой вей).

And only in Russia can you go

from watching something as cool as Eurovision

to something as poignant as Stravinsky’s Firebird

И только в России, вы можете учить

когда вы смотрите телевизор дома.

Only in Russia, только в России,

where the people aren't all drunks (but some are)

and not everyone eats borscht (but some do)

and nobody wears big furry hats (because it's summer)

but the drivers really are awful.

It's not like home, and yet it is like home.

It's a whole new world in a magnificent way.

And if you want to see this, it's только в России.